I woke up this morning. Honestly, that’s it. I woke up this morning. I felt good about that.
I sashayed out to my truck (sashay is my word of the day) and noticed something strange. My truck was covered in white stuff. For a moment, I thought some massive avian had taken a monstrous shit on my vehicle. Something like a pterodactyl. Or maybe a blue whale, if blue whales could fly. Some small part of my brain (I suspect it was the medulla oblongata) whispered that the white stuff might indeed be snow. I was having none of that. It DOES NOT snow in Seattle.
I approached my truck very cautiously, one eye on the sky in case the culprit returned to survey its handy work. To make a long story short it was actually snow. SNOW!?!?!?!?!?! What the hell is that all about? If I wanted snow, I would’ve moved to Montana. Or Siberia. I wonder, do you think I could get a job in IT in Siberia? Sorry, I digress.
When I went to the State Store, looking for a new state to live in, the salesperson never said a word about snow. He talked about Puget Sound. He talked about the mountains. He talked about Starbucks. He talked about Microsoft. He did NOT talk about snow. I’m pretty sure now that it is in the handbook…….
Section 3a. Paragraph 4—At no point will the employee mention snow or frozen precipitation when discussing the Seattle area with a potential buyer. If the employee does mention snow or any derivative thereof, that employee will be killed and sent to sleep with the fishes.
I want my money back. Unfortunately, I already threw away my receipt.
Disclaimer: The author wants everyone to know that he does in fact like the area. It's one of the prettiest places he has ever lived.